dear diary

My husband & I are feeling a bit lame. We'd just gotten comfortable in pajamas, ready to settle in for a night of work, when our friends sent us a message. Could we meet them at a wine bar for drinks? I thought of the lesson plans looming over me. I couldn't tear myself away from them. I was honest when I refused: Sorry, guys. I'm 85 years old and must plan my lessons daaaays in advance. Text me tomorrow?

I stayed up until midnight, getting a lesson in order: literary terms, their phonetic spelling, their French counterparts, questions we can ask about them. I'm teaching three sessions of oral comprehension to third years this semester, which is basically teaching them how to talk about literature–how to analyze and defend it. I couldn't be happier. I am throwing myself into this class head first and diving way, way into the murky stuff.

I stayed up after that to finish "Sunshine", a book I'd been hesitant to start (as it involves vampires & I'm always skeptical about the writing quality). I had to finish it. I couldn't stop myself. It's the best written vampire novel I've ever opened (since I suck–haha–at finishing them). This may have more to do with the fact that the girl loves to tie her hair up in a scarf, spend entire days reading and spend the rest of her time baking her heart out in a family-owned café. Let's say I could relate to the character.

I woke in a strange whirl of emotions that only whirled faster as the day went on. I'd had a dream about vampires attacking an amusement park I worked at, an Epcot sort of place designed to look like Luxembourg. (Believe me, this is even less bizarre than the David Bowie amusement park I dreamed about the other night.) The dream switched to one where our apartment was burning. I woke up in an apartment that smelled like an ashtray: neighbors had another party & smoked in the corridor again.

I got some surprising news from another graduate school–the response was looking for most. I spent time staring out the window, wondering what it all meant. When I'd hear from IU, I'd felt so sure that it was what I was meant to do. Now it seemed like my soul was torn in half, like I'd used some sort of bad magic. (These are thoughts you have when you stay up into the sunrise hours reading vampire novels.) I couldn't stop swimming in my thoughts, eyes glazed over with exaggerated pauses between blinks. I needed to get out of the apartment to let it all settle.

I stepped onto the sidewalk. There was no one. The only sound was, well, less sound and more the pressure of the air's stillness against my cold ears. The cold was good; for once, it was what I needed. For ten seconds, I had France to myself. I had time to thank it for everything, something we usually miss our chance to do. In those ten seconds, I felt myself settle.

For now, maybe, it is enough to know that the professors would write the letters or that the program had enough faith in me to give me a shot. Maybe I didn't need the program in the way I thought I did–to foster the true writer in me. Maybe I just needed a real (and really expensive–ouch, application fees) way to throw myself into the world and see what stuck. I began to feel as if, instead of pulling me in two directions, the second letter was saying, "See? It's in you. Somewhere. And if you go to another program, you'll still have it. It's already there."

So now I wait for financial assistance to fall into my lap. In the mean time, I'm still planning our next few years in Indiana–and which coast we'll fly to after that for the next stage of life, because we both feel that we need a new piece of country to play in.

We've ordered our tickets for our spring break adventure. I've worked my hands into the pastry for the dessert I'm making with Lauren tomorrow, while we plan classes and watch the entire Bourne saga (mmmm–yes, attractive, but ARE there actors more all-around talented these days?). I've learned how to properly use our wine opener, and I've poured myself a heavy glass red wine, to continue the afternoon mellow. I've even turned on the coffee to pick me back up and carry me through today's reading (and yesterday's, since I was distracted by vampires) of War & Peace. Joe is way better at staying on top of our shared reading than I am...

Enjoy what you're reading? I'd love to know that we're on track. Click Follow on the right side of the screen to stick with us.