day 14, drifting

Day 14. Someone you’ve drifted away from

I've been doing a lot of thinking & not a lot of writing lately. This usually plops me in the middle of a ball pit of emotions. I'm terrified of ball pits–was thoroughly convinced that I would die in them. (Plus, they're stupid. How is it fun? You end up with this crap all over your house. No thanks.) This is to say, being in a ball pit of emotion, with loads of different emotions smacking me in the face like hard plastic, is not at all where I like to be. For the first time in my life, I can't write it out. I can't even bring myself to put pen to paper or, more commonly, letters to keys.

Instead of a letter to someone else today, since it's my blog & my rules, I'm writing some notes to myself. I'm addressing a few fears and concerns that have neared the point of being paralyzing over the past two weeks.

I got into graduate school, a dual Masters in Public Affairs & Environmental Science. I'll be heading to Indiana University in the fall, to the one hippie chunk of Indiana (and thank God for it). I'll be heading there early, so that I can register myself for Math Camp, which I've already begun preparing myself for.

I am not a math person. This may be an understatement. I have not done math in four years. I took Calculus my senior year of high school, which I don't even think should be registered as part of my education. The one thing that  I remember from that class is how each Friday, we would take turns bringing in snacks. I didn't do much of my homework.

I'm afraid of having an epic fail. I'm trying to be open minded. I'm trying to balance my fear of math with the idea of the jobs I could get post-graduate studies, the jobs that could push our country toward the kind of change we've needed to be making for decades (#environment #GlobalWarming #SocialJustice #AidToAfrica). I'm trying to balance it with the idea of snagging a coffee house job for a few hours a week or volunteering at an owl recovery center half an hour away.

I'm trying to balance it with the idea that no, it's not a creative writing program, but I can still be writing. I can still be using that side of myself. But I don't know if I can. Since I found out I got in, I've been distracted, throwing myself into books about vampires or French affairs (not business affairs) to forget everything else that's become very tiresome in our thoughts of the States.

I'm drifting away from the parts of myself I like most–writing & baking. I tried to make cupcakes, but was so distracted that I didn't check the oven setting. I nearly cried, just to have a way to get it out. Instead, I sat on the floor and ate the rest of the chocolate filling.

So if I can't write now, when I'm feeling too much & should be storing it all outside of myself–if I'm drifting now, how do I pull myself back together and not get drown in the rapids of graduate school? How do you pull the two sides of your head together?

So I'm feeling tangled, and I'm trying to get myself back. I was a morning person, loved waking up at or before 6 a.m. just to be drinking coffee and plugging along on homework as the sun rose. I crawl out of bed angry at 8 a.m. now (still up an hour before sunrise, which I think is the problem). So today, it's time to snap back. I've found my next 30-day challenge for the blog, gotten ahead on a tumblr 30-day challenge, rolled out of bed before 7 a.m. and have yet to get upset with myself for the day.

Today, we stop drifting. We tie the pieces of the raft back together and start adjusting. Math can be a part of me. It just takes some time to find the room, like a sofa you purchased that turned out to be too large. This master's program is going to be like fitting a leather sectional into a studio apartment, but there will still be room to stretch out.

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