the philosophy of "choosing one"

There are several passions in my life that pull equal weight–my writing, my draw to environmental/feminist-related nonprofit organizations & the French language. And then there is my number one dream: to open a café/bakery in the traditional style that would serve as a nonprofit forum. I've always known that these things were meant to play a role in my life, each in a different way. I knew I couldn't give one up. I just didn't know how they would come together yet.

When I began choosing graduate school programs, I began getting even more advice about "choosing "one" than I'd gotten when I casually talked about what I wanted from life (to write essays, to dedicate myself to nonprofit work, to bake everyday). "It's best if you choose one," they said. "You'd have better chances of getting in; you'd look like a stronger candidate."

This idea was terrifying to me. It felt as if I would be tearing my soul–I'd be forced to horcrux myself, hiding my passions in bits of my past to feel like they were still, in some way, a part of me. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't choose one passion without having it be intrinsically linked to all other desires.

Yesterday, Joe showed me an article about an incredible man that was seemingly in a similar state of mind. Shelton Johnson is a poet, an activist and an employee of the national park service. He has won awards for his writing, got Oprah to visit Yosemite and has published books. Here's a bit of his awesomeness*:

He served with the Peace Corps in Liberia and attended graduate school at the University of Michigan, where he won several writing awards, including a Hopwood Award in poetry.

Johnson didn't choose one of his passions when he began earning his MFA. He found a way to bring them all together. He didn't limit himself to one way of changing the world: he touches lives through his writing, his work at national parks and his efforts (via Oprah) to bring more Blacks to national parks.

Johnson reminded me that it's possible, that passion doesn't mean choice. It means struggling to bring it all together. It means those feeling in your gut, in your throat–the ones that tear at you when you when you try to let it go, when you try not to worry or to fix or to push for–are meant to be a part of you. You just have to find the reason.

As Vladimir Nabokov wrote in Speak, Memory,

I like to fold my magic carpet, after use, in such a way as to superimpose one part of the pattern upon another. Let visitors trip.

Though I don't speak of memory, the sentiment is the same. We take the images that matter most, the feelings that form who we are, and fold them together to superimpose or image on the world. If others can't see where it all comes together & how this brings out meaning to the work you share with others, then by all means, let them trip.

111

There are pieces of my life that are slipping into place. My plans for the summer are rounding out. My to-do list is color coded; full of wedding things and nonfiction reading; not filled with enough Joe and certainly not finished.

Item number one on the to-do list: Developing pictures
I got a Holga camera a little over a year ago, to give me something to play with while in St. Louis. Then I remembered that I was not getting paid over the summer, so I didn't have money for more film or developing the four rolls that I got with the camera.

I've finally taken those four rolls to Jack's Camera Shop to be developed. One of the rolls wasn't wrapped up tight, and the woman was afraid that there would be blurring. I assured her that this would not matter, since the Holga is known and loved for is mechanical flaws that add character to the photos.

I then asked her not to judge me for the number of pictures I took with the lens cap on. Driving through (rather, being a passenger while Joe drove) St. Louis that summer, I didn't think much about the lens cap. I just pointed and clicked, then realized my error days later.

In about a week, I'll see how I did with the first go at the Holga. Joe and I are hoping to use it in France, along with his 35 mm, to create some great wall art when we get back to the States.

As for developing my picture-taking skills, I'm still toying with the idea of buying a nice Nikon. I've promised myself that I will not splurge with a new one. A friend mentioned that he wanted to sell his camera, which was originally $600. I just sold the video camera I used for my online speech class last summer for $75 (thanks, Jack's!). If he can give me an amazing deal on his camera, I will put that $75 toward it and scrape by with no grocery shopping.

Joe was against the purchase at first, but I'm convinced that it's a skill more and more PR practitioners (and journalists) will need to have in the changing/integrating world of our profession. Having the summer and a year in France to read about photography and sharpen my skills, maybe even create a few photo essays, could be a huge help when it's job-getting time.

Item number two: JOBS
This is going better than expected, too. I know that if I want to make good money, I could find temporary factory work or waitress at a few restaurants everyday. This just doesn't seem feasible with a wedding and the move, though. So instead, I'm trying to dig up some jobs that will together amount to "full-time" money, but more importantly, key experience.

 So far, I've heard that my editor for the Wapak Daily News will "need some help." I have some sort of job there, but I have no idea what that means or when I will know. I'm forcing myself to be okay with that and not e-mail him everyday.

I'm also building a Web site and blog for my dad, which is a project that I want to keep as a sort of surprise until it's ready. I think it'll be really fun for us to create posts and work on it from now until, well, forever.

Then, I thought of another possibility. When I went home for Spring Break and did loads of wedding shopping,  we stopped in at Vino Bellissimo, which now has a site. I got really excited about going up twice a week for all of their wine tastings.

I got even more excited about all of the potential this has when it comes to utilizing social media tools and "engaging with the public," like my professors have been raving about. I decided that I had nothing to lose, so I e-mailed them.

I explained that I was graduating and would love to put my creative skills to use for them, developing their Web presence a bit (learning along the way, admittedly) and doing an public relations work that I could. I said that I was passionate about wine, going to France and eager to learn more about it–not quite begging, but very clear that working for them would make my day.

They responded positively, asking when I'd be back and saying they never know what they may need. Fingers crossed, I'll be putting these hard-earned degrees into practice. Now, anyone need a French tutor?