the day before

I've avoided blogging over the past few days. The wedding has nearly broken several times, been reshuffled from airlines to Greyhounds, had tables rearranged & dinners added/dropped/switched. I have cried over Joe being in his tux, cried over my best friend's serious transportation troubles (since she's doubling as my photographer, this was doubly frightening), cried over money losses, cried because I'm exhausted & can't take any more.

I haven't wanted to talk to anyone.

Then yesterday, the bridal party finally got into town. We went out for drinks with the groomsmen & most of their dates. Then, we headed back to the house where the lovely Maid of Honor & both sets of bridal parents were hanging out. We proceeded to play corn hole & drink Bud Select & eat graham crackers (ok, this was mostly me when the s'more-making was done) deep into the night. I was so unbelievably happy–surrounded by so much excitement & genuine happiness.

Then Joe left. He's spending these last two nights with his family at the hotel. It's odd that I can miss him so much when he's only ten minutes away, when I know I'll have the rest of my life with him. Today, we're each spending a bit of a last day with our families.

So far this morning, I have done my nails and discussed my hair. This is my job for the day. To slow down, relax & focus on the fact that no matter what, everything will turn out fine. It will happen just the way it was meant to. And we will be married.

It was odd last night to realize that this is my last time sleeping in my room. The room I grew up in. Now, it is my sister's room & hers alone. When I visit, I will be a married woman. I will stay with my husband, our own little family cluster. I hadn't thought about this before–not how the marriage changed my role in my childhood home. Falling asleep was bittersweet.

5: a few weeks of unemployment

Today was my official Last Day of Work. By official, I mean I decided that I was getting all of my Work work done today & dedicating myself to Wedding work for the next few days.

For today, that meant finishing up a story I started months ago, having an interview & writing another story this evening (after we take Joe to get his wedding haircut :). For today, that meant coming to terms with the fact that I did not get photos together for this story collection. Since they never made me a true employee, I'm going to convince myself that this is not the end of the world.

I got back into reading, splitting my time between two books to get me in a travel-writing mood: Neither Here Nor There by Bill Bryson & Down & Out in Paris & London by George Orwell. Joe & I have started our couple's reading club (of which we are the founding & only members), so we're reading both books together.

This means that we have been really terrible at studying French together. We'll get better at this in the coming days. I put my French notes together, focusing on my problem areas, & put them on top of all of my other to-do materials in an effort to force the issue.

I then let myself focus on the wedding for a bit...

Right now, I'm wearing (most of) my wedding face.

Rachel, my best friend/former roommate/wedding photographer, had these really great Physician's Formula skin correctors that snap together like magic. I would sit in our bathroom, snapping & unsnapping the things while my roommates thought I was getting ready for class. They were like Legos. I bought the stuff because my eyes have decided to form dark circles & my nose has gotten this stressed-out red color.

I used the three tubes (correct, cover & highlight), then some foundation, bronzer, mascara & a three-color eyeshadow scheme. This is more makeup than I've worn in years. I've never worn corrector, only wear foundation when I'm ill & basically gave up on eyeliner. I playing with lipstick & will throw on any shade, but I'm saving that for a bit of a wedding day surprise.

Anyway, I have on all of this makeup & realized that it feels like I'm not wearing anything. It feels great. This is probably because it's half Physician's Formula (mmmm organic makeup :) & half because I'm not 16 & have learned to put on appropriate amounts of each powder. I also realized that I was humming "I feel pretty, oh so pretty," & batting my eyes at my future husband.

My coming days will be dedicated to the Big Day, the rush after & the Big Move. We're coming, world. And the government already said we could get married, so there's nothing you can do about it.

9: small details

It's funny how often you can say that things are falling apart and things are falling into place in the same day. On the other hand, this could mean that I'm a bit dramatic.

Either way, that's exactly how it's felt the last few days. There has been another round of changes to several printing jobs and name cards, which is mostly frustrating because I was desperately trying not to make this wedding a big paper loss. That went out the window rather quickly, and I'm embarrassed by the amount of card stock I've had to sneak into the recycling bin. I promise the environmentalist part of my brain that I'll make it up to them soon.

At the same time, we've finalized plans for the rehearsal dinner (minus a back-up rain plan). We'll be introducing the bridal party to Beer & Wine pizza, which I grew up with at school pizza parties. The pizzas will be taken to the bigger park in town, where we can hang out under a shelter house and kids can play on the playground equipment. It should make for a nice, relaxing evening... which we will all be needing at that point.

Yesterday was a series of random errands, including time at the orthodontist for new retainers–how much more romance can we handle? Between the orthodontist making models of my teeth and then checking the fit of my retainer, we had an hour for luggage shopping.

While I again failed at fulfilling my environmental ambitions (can't afford hemp luggage at this point), we did fulfill our need to be frugal. We scored one piece of bright orange, very very solid, 30-inch luggage "with 360-degree rotation on the wheels!" It was Heys, but found at TJ Maxx for about half of its usual retail price... but we still couldn't afford to buy all of our luggage this way.

To be a bit more practical, we gave my car to Wal*Mart for an oil change and used the time to find a luggage set. We're remarkably efficient with time, no?

Joe and I have both fantasized about riding around in a Jeep with the top off from very young ages. We're seriously considering it for our first family car, since there won't be much family to put in it (though we'll still probably opt for a Prius–like I said, environmental brain). When we saw the line of Jeep luggage, we both wanted it. This may be as close as we can get to fulfilling our fantasy.

The five pieces were gotten for the price of the one Heys piece, and they will set us up nicely for upcoming short trips and France. We have a perfectly-sized carry-on, a duffel that I could use as a sleeping bag, something called a boarding bag, a "deluxe" toiletry bag and an enormous suitcase. (Only 180-degree rotation.You get what you pay for.) Jet black. Solid. A bit rough and rustic looking.

This along with the toiletry shopping we did the other day to feel like we were accomplishing something is doing two things:

1. Making this whole experience start to feel very real. We're traveling!
2. Taking up a ton of space.

I hope all this only weighs 100 pounds...

12: < two weeks

It is official. Long distance no longer describes our relationship. Instead, Joe will spend the next two weeks sleeping on the floor of my parents' living room. He pulled in on Friday after six hours in the hot hot heat, driving in a truck with no A/C (the island of an honest man).

We spent the weekend making place cards, talking about wedding plans, figuring out where he'd sleep the night of the wedding and drinking milkshakes with my family. The highlight of the weekend: finalizing all of the wedding details and reading with the deacon that will marry us, one of the most naturally happy people I've come into contact with, followed by a two-hour lunch at Lucky Steer, one of the most typical restaurants for small towns.

The diner-esque coffee is what keeps us coming back. The restaurant, with homestyle specials daily and a fun salad bar with my favorites (sunflower seeds and coleslaw--no, not together! gross!) has been our stop in Wapak when we're feeling a bit emotional.

It was our final stop on Joe's visits to Ohio during the first summer of our relationship, when I moved home and he stayed at school. It was our first stop when we told the church we wanted to get married. Now, it's the first restaurant we've been to as almost married people.

And I mean almost married. We went to the Probate Court today, which seems like an odd place for such a happy occasion. We held up our right hands, swore we didn't have syphilis and promised we weren't already married. We weren't drunk. We weren't pretending to be someone else. Things were going good. We were congratulated and given our marriage certificate. It was packed away for the wedding rehearsal.

Then I call Social Security, to see about this name-changing biz-nass. And they, like everyone else I've talked to, suggested that maybe legally changing my name without time to get a new passport, visa & driver's license (and SS card, which wouldn't arrive for, oh, a month minimum) was perhaps not my best idea. Customs would be confused. I could be held in the airport.

My heart sank a little. I have been inching my toes toward that finish line, the time when Joe and I could be the Betz family, for the past year. It means so much to him. I plopped my head onto his shoulder, into the bowl between shoulder blade and pec (a bowl I think I've worn into him). I explained. We were both disappointed, but we started making plans to make the switch post-France.


"But will you call yourself Megan Betz?" he asked.

Of course I will. And my students will call me Mrs. Betz. And we will be The Betzes. The Betz Family. Mr. & Mrs. Betz. For everyone but Social Security. 

There were other, more successful errands run today. Like picking up my borrowed item, my grandma's silver bracelet, and my old item, her pewter candle sticks for the unity candles. Like getting season one of Mad Men, to make Joe understand how important it is. Like getting Jillian's kick-your-ass yoga video, which I hope to purchase for Joe & myself if we enjoy the rented trial run of it. Like showing Joe where the printer is, so that he can start running errands in Wapak and feeling like he owns the place.

Like ordering flowers for the moms during the sign of peace and getting really excited about bringing our two families together. Like falling asleep on the bedroom floor while on hold with Social Security and realizing that we will never wake up in separate states again.

32: butterflies

A month from now, I will be doing my hair for my rehearsal. I will be spending my last few hours as a fiancé before becoming a married woman. My life is filled with all sorts of butterflies.

Butterfly One: The dress
I tried on the wedding dress today. It has undergone its first set of alterations and no longer feels like a corset. A bit of my blue shoe peeks out the end of my shortened hem. My body shows its hourglass. My pieces are held in place. I'm convincing myself that it is okay to continue eating as normal.

The zipper is a frightening thing. It is tight. Very. Tight. With a tendency to stick at the top. This is fine, as it is not attached to my body's actually ability to fit into the dress. This is not fine, as I am afraid that it will take four people and me pressed against the floor to get the thing locked into place on the day of the wedding.

For now, I wait until the seamstress's phone call. I'll try it on again. I'll zip and unzip until it is all fine and nothing sticks.

Butterfly Two: The visa 
Joe still has not received his placement information for his teaching position next year. This means that for now, only I am in place to receive a visa.

This is fine, because he has another week. We're not leaving for Chicago until Monday. (We're leaving for Chicago on Monday!) This is not fine, because he may have to take an additional trip to Chicago. We can't afford this (in lots of ways).

For now, we wait for the package to arrive. We panic quietly, in the conversation's lulls late at night.

Butterfly and 300 other butterflies (no really)
When I was in Girl Scouts, we went on an overnight trip at a science center (COSI). We got caterpillars. We put sugar water on a cotton ball in their cardboard-and-plastic cases, were told to not move the box when their chrysalis formed, were told to feed it Kool Aid and sugar water when it became a butterfly.

I didn't have high expectations. The year before, I'd been given a tadpole. Three days later, I was screaming at the bus stop because no one else understood what loss was. No one else knew the pain of losing their first pet...which worked out okay, because shortly after Bud's small death we got a dog...which worked out terribly, because he ran away all the time and was taken back to the shelter after three months.

But this is the story of my butterfly. It became a butterfly. It lived for three weeks, spending its feeding time perched on my hand, sucking on a cotton ball, spending at least an hour a day flying around my room (then bashing and bashing and beating itself against my window). She would go back into her cardboard-and-plastic case. She would fly; she would eat; she would flick her tongue. Then one day, I knew she wasn't okay.

There is a picture of me that documents the moment of the butterfly's death. I am in my pajamas. My eyes are puffy. The butterfly is sitting on her cotton ball. She is not eating. She is dying. There is another moment, one that happened years later, that documents the mutual connection and kindred spirit I share with butterflies. I am sure of this.

We are on vacation. We are in a butterfly house near Niagara Falls. A butterfly lands on me. I cry a little and tell him that I love him. He flies away. I watch a swarm (a swarm?) of butterflies around the ceiling, swooping and floating in currents only they can feel.

My family took a day trip to Put In Bay yesterday. We visited a butterfly house, and I knew that this was what heaven looked like. I go into a sort of trance, watching them swirl. Watching them join thin bodies and make love–the only insect, I am sure, that makes love. Watching them open and close wings that are magic–magic that children know not to touch, like Mom's crystal and the toothpicks on our neighbor's dining room table when I was two.

They were everywhere. They were lovely. They made me fall in love with everything. Again.

40

 I've started to feel much more like a bride.

Yesterday was my bridal shower, put on by Mom and Chloe, my sister and maid of honor, with help from my grandmothers and Aunt Susan. Each of them made one of my favorite desserts–including 76 miniature Funfetti cupcakes topped with chocolate icing by my sister. (It was a long Saturday.)

As Mom topped the tables with vases of peacock feathers and the purple and blue napkins were lined up, I realized that things were really moving. That this was really a day dedicated to my future with my husband. That people were coming to celebrate a bride. Me.

It was strange. I was nervous, scared of the attention, excited and ready to get eating those snacks (especially my mom's candied pecans, which I may or may not have had a handful of whenever I was standing). Mom and Chloe were the first to put their presents on the table, Chloe's wrapped in a dishtowel with two little scrubbers as bows. I need to remember that trick.

As family and friends started coming in, as the room started filling with noise and as the gift table filled up, I realized that I wasn't the only person that was excited. My close family members were excited to host the party–Mom and Chloe led games and corralled 6 children in an effort to get my gifts handed to me safely. My family was excited to see itself grow by one. My friends were excited to share in the happiness.

And I felt special. I felt, for the first time in the long ride to the wedding, like it was going exactly how I wanted: it was bringing people together, giving them a chance to be nothing but happy.

I'm fighting the urge to list all of my gifts here, because they meant so much to me. While I always appreciate a nice present, I was floored by how many of them where made just for me and my future family.

I had no idea what to expect from anyone, especially my sister. Mom had told me even she was surprised by Chloe's idea for a present. I nearly cried when I opened Mom and Chloe's presents.

I remember many evenings sitting in the TV room with my family with mom in the recliner, stitching away at flowered tablecloths. They're a traditional piece of our family decor, a piece that makes me sad I missed out on Hope Chests. Now, for my shower, Mom had stitched me a tablecloth of purple flowers with bright yellow centers. Then I opened Chloe's gift and found four matching napkins.


My eyes were swelling up, and then Chloe made me laugh. I'd been saying that I wanted to spend part of my shower money on a cross-stitch project to take with me to France. Chloe said it was hard for her not to warn me how tedious the projects can be. But she'd trudged through it, spending her evenings making my future dining room table look amazing.


Joe's mother and grandmother also contributed family tradition to our future nest. When they walked in with a huge plastic bin, I wasn't sure what would be inside. Towels? Linens? A giant, white nativity made by Joe's grandmother in a ceramics class? I never would have guessed.


One of the things I am looking forward to most for Joe and myself is our first Christmas in the states, going out and buying a nativity together. My family has always had several around the house. Chloe and I fight for the right to arrange them and re-arrange them throughout the season. Now with this family piece, I have a story to tell my children one day (as they ask to set it up and I kindly decline because I'm terrified of anything happening to them), one like the story my parents tell me of the nativity that sits closest to our tree, passed down to my dad from his parents.


We're really starting a family. It was hard last night to come home, review my gifts with my family and a few more miniature desserts, then pack them away for a year. Joe and I are anxious to get to France, but I'm getting just as anxious to feel a bit more permanent with him. I want to feel like I'm home, and so many people are making that possible for us. I want to feel like we're stowed away in our little apartment, living exactly where we're meant to be. It's making the idea of a French apartment with none of my things around me a bit harder to handle.


At least when we come home, it will be like a wedding shower all over again. We'll get to unpack, be surprised by the gifts we were blessed with, figure out just how we'd like to place them and then sit down with a good dessert and be thankful for them.

59

We've been doing a lot of wedding planning lately. I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I've been panicking every day about not reading enough, not writing enough (though an okay amount of blogging has happened).

There are 59 days until the wedding, and honestly, the small spurts of things we're able to accomplish with it are the only things making me feel like I'm going toward some end goal.

Two nights ago, Mom and I sat down to make the "corsages" for the women involved with the wedding. This does not include my sister, the maid of honor, and she's a bit disappointed by that. She's love to snag one of these cameos, an alternative to the typical wedding corsage.

From the beginning, we've been trying to incorporate environmental consciousness into our wedding. Granted, I didn't buy an eco-friendly dress, which would have been my biggest statement, but I do home to find it a new home after the wedding... not immediately after, but I feel that it's a dress someone else would love to (pay a bit to) wear at their wedding. It would be  helping me and saving materials.

That fed into my idea with the cameos--much of the wedding is fueled by art deco elements, so I am trying to keep everything a bit "antique." Cameos are a classic image of that antiquated, romantic femininity. Then, after the wedding the flowers and embellishments can be removed. Voila. A piece of jewelry that is eco-friendly (recycled), trendy (vintage) and rather timeless.

Mom and I, after a bit of a fit where I insisted that she "just DO it because I don't KNOW what I'm doing," were able to get all nine cameos finished. I even did three of them all on my own, for the three ladies that will do readings at our wedding. The readers will get the flowered cameos, all in the same style, while the grandmothers will have unique cameos with a peacock plume on the side. The MOB cameos are larger, with two peacock plumes (sans eye) and two pearl-topped pins. Here's a sample:

So. We're getting there. Next step: pew markers, made with ribbon and.... well, I'm not really sure yet. But we'll figure it out, and they'll magically come together like these did.

61

On Saturday I made a Nutella Pie, via a recipe I found on (never home)makers. My mousse-like filling did not turn out the color of there. I think this has little to do with my pie-making skills and lots to do with the fact that the 3 oz. of milk chocolate were in the fridge (and I was too impatient to let them come to room temperature).

Regardless, it was delicious. I left a bit of the filling in the bowl and dipped the spatula in it, licking the thing until I'd smeared it all over my face like a five-year-old. I then ate part of a piece after dinner on Saturday.

Today, I had a cinnamon roll for breakfast. I ate a buckeye (peanut butter bonbon) that I found in the freezer. After my sister make chocolate-covered pretzels for my upcoming bridal shower, I stole some of the melted chocolate and smeared it on a banana.

After Sunday dinner, my family finished the pie. I did a good bit of helping. And this is the end.

Today, I am freeing myself of extra sugar. For the past few days, I've been giving into every sugar craving, mostly to maintain any amount of sanity or happiness that I can.

I don't like it. I don't like giving in or feeling like I can't give in once in a while or feeling like I shouldn't have sugar. I'm taking a break from all of it. I'm going dessert-free. I'm getting my body back.

I looked at a list of celebrities that are my height. Their weight range is roughly 97-108 pounds. A star I've never heard of dropped five pounds in two weeks so that she could reach her goal weight, her "best" weight, of 104 pounds.

This is ridiculous. This is not a standard that I should ever expect myself to abide by. They get paid millions of dollars to maintain an extra-slim body. They're held to a different standard. I'm finally understanding that I never want to be that thin again.

I do want to love this funky little body I've got though.  A few pieces of it have really grown on me. My tiny mouth. My suddenly wavy hair. My shoulders. Ok, I can handle that.

My thighs. My belly. Not so much. We're getting ourselves back into shape, legs. We're doing it for the wedding and we're doing it to prove that you don't have to ever step on a scale to be your "best weight." Because we are not numbers. We are not hard, calculated data. We are water and salt and nitrogen and in flux.

If I'm going to look good in that wedding dress, ignoring what size it is or how much weight I feel I should lose to fit into it well, I have to believe that I look good. I have to accept myself, and in order to do that I have to really start taking care of myself. I have to know what my best body is.

67

I’ve gotten a bit materialistic over the last few days, so I thought I’d create a really visual post.

Mom and I spent some time (read “most of the day”) shopping. She gave me tons of help, replacing underwear that I shrank in the outdated drier at my rental house and jeans that had become see-through from too much wear.

She also helped me stop up on some new clothes  for the great weather we’ll meet when we get to France. I got tops that look exactly like Paris in Spring. I’ve noticed that my style has gotten more classic and much more feminine.

The trend that I adore right now is the decorative appliqués and feminine flourishes on tank tops. I’ve been struggling to find anything that works for my body type. My chest, well, exists, and the tops are made more for flat-chested girls, those 1920s flapper bodies that are still the model for fashion design.

I found some tops that work—frills and a bit of flash, floral prints that always catch my eye. (Mom found this one.) There’s just enough shape in them to flatter the parts of my body that I love (since I’m learning to do that): shoulders and hips.

We did a bit of wedding shopping, too. Unfortunately, the shoes I got for the wedding are too small. I’ve been looking for wedding shoes, but I wasn’t wowed by anything. The peacock feathers have given this wedding a fun flare, so I thought

Score. Deep blue pointy-toed heels that are only about an inch or two with support…perfect for a whole day in heels. When we popped into Icing, Mom found the perfect purse with a vintage feel to it, also on sale: a golden, rectangular design that will actually hold everything.

When we got back from our shopping expedition, another purchase was waiting on me. I'll put out a warning:

FOR GIRLS' COMFORT ONLY

Boys are welcome to read, but you may not like it. You should read it anyway and get over it. You could marry one of us one day. Learn this now.

I am tired of tampons: of the mess, of the cotton, of the waste of materials, of the purse and pockets the require. I'm making every effort to be sustainable and conscious of my impact. I'm also very conscious of the impact "female sanitary products" have on my wallet each month.

Enter the Diva Cup. The concept has been around for 75 years, and this company made it modern: top-grade silicon, hypoallergenic, sanitary and budget-friendly. For less than $30, I am set until it wears out, until I have a baby or until I turn 30–whatever comes first.

It holds up to one ounce and, even though your flow feels like a disaster some days, that's approximately 12 hours (that's right) of coverage. That means for an entire day gallivanting around Europe or an entire night of sound sleep, I don't have to worry about leaks, infections or allergic reactions.


It's a bit like getting your life back. So thanks, Mom and Dad for the financial (and fashion) assistance. I don't say that enough, and I get more than my fair share between wedding plans and loan help. I'm blessed with parents that instilled a strong understanding of work ethic, budgeting and finding ways to help others. I may not come out ahead this summer with a bigger bank account, but my bills and debt are steadily dropping. (No thanks to Ball State's out-of-state tuition and my need for loans.)

86

Yesterday was my first St. Louis Cardinals game and Joe’s first trip to the new stadiums. A woman in his program, Heidi, bought tickets for a group, and we spent the afternoon with Joe’s M.F.A. and M.A. friends.

His time as a student is drawing close to the end now. Tonight, we’ll see his friends again for the annual reading for graduating creative writing students. And then he’ll graduate and then I’ll leave and then we don’t know yet. But we can see the endpoint for now–only 86 days.

Before we hit up the Metro train to the stadium, we stopped in a Design Within Reach. We pass the store frequently while we're out and about in the Central West End, so we finally took a moment to stop in. Then man working was excited and passionate, making it very, very hard not to buy the sectional and 1940s original desk we both fell in love with.

He kept asking about our lives and being excited for our French escapades... and he kept showing me all of these amazing 1920-40s collections and original pieces. I'm weak for the time period, as our wedding makes obvious, and I'm glad I didn't have $2k in my bank account. Oh, someday... and then on that someday I'll feel horrible that I bought a desk instead of feeding an entire African village.

It’s odd how grown up I felt, how cool, buying us a beer and nachos to share. How settled and happy I felt passing the Bud Light between us and screaming at low pitches in between. I walked back to our seats and had one of those existential moments when you feel like this really is you, living your life and piecing things together.

As we took the Metro train to the stadium and after, we decided to use it for a trip out to the mall. I’ve tried to make sure that each day of fun includes a bit of wedding preparation. Yesterday was gift and champagne flute shopping.

Little did we know that the average champagne flutes cost, oh, $20 to 40 each. As we walked between stores, we rattled of the to-do list and tried to find expenses that could be cut back. These talks usually lead to raised voices (mine) and exasperation (Joe’s). But yesterday and this morning, when the budget talk included a spreadsheet, we were quite calm. And we found these at Anthropologie:

 They have an awesome yellow/gold splash. That and the ridge in the glass make them feel perfectly vintage and match the 1920s time span. We both liked them, and they're weren't as expensive as everyone from Lenox to Martha Stewart down at Macy's.

I’m afraid that I’m a bit too calm here. I had so many plans this week, so much reading. But something happens each time I open my book. I fall asleep. I worry about all of the things I should be in Ohio taking care of. I get distracted by watching Rome (men in short skirts and gorgeous women).

What a relief it will be someday to really have my life in one place instead of Muncie/St. Louis/Wapak or St. Louis/Wapak/Evansville or Wapak/Evansville/France. I think I’m going to clean the apartment. Feel like I’m moving or accomplishing something.

95

I used to love playing outfield, center, living for the moment when I could launch the softball from well behind second to the catcher in time to tag someone out. I used to love using my slow-pitch softball bat and the extra drag it made, the extra force it required to pull my body around and hit in fast-pitch. My arms used to be solid.

That is all gone now, apparently. As I type this, my arms are shaking. They may fall off. I've been so disgusted with myself lately that I got a new workout video. I heard she's intense. People aren't kidding. I never thought I'd think that cardio was a relief from strength training. So, I got the 30 Day Shred video.

She looks innocent enough, right? Wow. Level one kicked my ass. The strength training. My arms. Over. I'm determined not to let this get me down. I. Will. Win. It took me more than 90 days to complete the 90 in 90 challenge. It may take me more than 30 days to get any sort of "shredded" body.

And honestly, I don't want to. It's nice to know that. It's nice to finally acknowledge that that is not my body type. I am not that tall. I am not that flat-chested. I am not that dedicated. We can't all be, because then what is the "ideal"? But I know that in 30 days, I'll feel better. I'll put less shit in my body. I'll have more energy. I'll breathe easier (especially in that wedding dress).

Speaking of wedding things... Let me tell you, I'm feeling pretty solid about our wedding theme and all the small elements right now. I did some digging to see what happening with art deco weddings right now (no worries, paternally-inclined readers: I've finished two final projects already. Only one more project and 23 hours of translating to go!)

This seemed so accurate! The ostrich feathers will be making an appearance at our reception. That's our cake design, if you remember the earlier post. We even thought about getting a birdcage for our cards. I'll find that while Dad keeps working on finding our getaway cars, like the one above. He's got some good leads. Really, I just want Joe and I to pose for some cute pictures like this couple–love the casual, nostalgic feel and the desaturated color.

I love these pictures! I'm so excited to have Rachel, my best friend, as the photographer. She knows my taste exactly, and we're definitely working toward the same artsy and less conventional style. I want to play with a lot of color, do a lot more dramatic/couture/fun/fashionable poses instead of stiff styles. The play with warmth and shadow here is so fun and unique. Love.

I've been dying for a 1920s/30s hairstyle since, well, somewhere near the womb. I'm glad that this elegant picture hits so close to home with what I'm planning: the hairpiece, low hairstyle and powerful lips with simple makeup. I'm feeling like a real success today! Maybe I could keep the hairstyle long after the wedding...

This mess of art deco is so fun! I love the geometric orderliness of the movement. This picture doesn't really hit on any part of the wedding, but it shows a lot of things I love from the time and why I wanted to use it as a theme. It's sensual and sleek while still being classy and very sophisticated. The colors are, how do I say this? Muted in a powerful way? Everything I try to type about them is a contradiction. I wish I had a Katherine Hepburn body to rock the sheath dress and daring cuts like they could. Would that be inappropriate for a Catholic ceremony? Ah, well. At least I can have the amazing hair.

96: a long one!

Wow. This weekend was crazy when it came to wedding/post-wedding planning.

It started with Pre-Cana. Poor Joe got in at about 1:30 a.m. on Saturday morning and was up for a day of marriage prep. at 6 a.m. We drove to Marion, an easy town to add to the We Will Never Live Here list. About 50 percent of their street names were labeled, making navigation a bit tricky.

We spent the day with two younger couples, sharing a table and a laugh when it came to the Natural Family Planning conversation. It's not that we wouldn't consider it... but the fumbling, bumbling "instructor" used a nuts and bolts metaphor (featuring a nut that was too large and a screw that was too small) before bouncing around points that we couldn't follow.

We really identified with some other couples that presented, though. The conversation about spirituality and approaching difficult decisions and situations not as "I can't do this," but as "We can do this together" brought tears to my eyes. The couple was amazing, and Joe and I got so excited to be a couple that is that willing to share our experiences with new, younger couples.

It tied into the theme of the day–learning how to be a sacrament of marriage for others. For me, it was a new way to look at things: We use the way we treat each other to be an example of love and faith for others. It's added pressure that I like, and I feel like we have a lot going for us, a lot to share with others.

Joe and I learned that we're on the same page with, well, pretty much everything. We did a lot of worksheets with His Answers and Her Answers, but we didn't go through the whole book. I'm looking forward to flipping through the other information and starting to plan our family, our budget and our conflict management. I feel like our faith will definitely hold us together, and spending a day seeing how truly compatible we are came at a perfect time. We're so excited!

The wedding excitement kept going through the weekend, and we took the plunge. Yep! We bought our tickets to France! We'll be flying out on Saturday, August 21 from Dayton, landing in Toronto and Montreal, then heading to Paris. There are things that need to be figured out along the way, like packing; the time between wedding and flight; trains to Nancy; housing in Nancy... but for now, we're letting ourselves feel really good about it.

Today, I'm finishing up the paperwork for our wedding bank account "registry". For now, we're registered as Meghan Beit & Robert Betz III, but we're fixing that. Everything else should be in the mail tomorrow!

Speaking of mailing... the invitations are all made, thanks to my parents' and sister's struggle with glue dots, folding and trimming 150 pieces of black paper. They look minimalist, geometric and sleek–perfect for an art deco, simple wedding. I couldn't be happier.

Since I'm over school right now and don't have a real final today, I'm giving myself the morning and early afternoon (with the exception of work hours) to finish up wedding design. It's been a busy morning! The place cards are in a rough draft. Directions for at the church are finished. Inserts for the invitations that explain the gift registry are all set. Thanks to the money Dad slipped me to "buying my bolt cutters," I'll be able to get those printed tonight after my final. That means I can steal some time at work to use the laser paper-cutter.

By the time I'm back in Ohio for good, after a week with Joe in St. Louis, the invitations will be ready to mail. We'll also have our wedding announcements set for the papers. I know I've been putting off thinking about this for a while, but it should be a quick project, since a few of the newspapers have online forms and the rest is only a few phone calls away.

If only it were always this easy! I guess I should turn my focus back on graduation for a while. Or at least translating... we'll see.

one hundred three

Sarah, Joe's mom, picked up our peacock feathers from her amazing friend who just happens to have a peacock farm. These feathers will be the guys' boutonnieres and help mark the reserved pews at the church. We have a lot more than I was expecting, (by about 80) so I'm excited to see where we can put them to work.

Sarah also said that there are a few from a white peacock, about three feathers. I want to do something extra special with those, possibly Joe's boutonniere. A lot of fun planning and playing for this summer :)

Maybe I could get some of the colored feathers to stick into my white hair piece to spice it up a little...

I've been keeping an eye out for a nice, deep red lip stain. I want a stain so that it lasts all day, so I need to get it early and get some practice in. I don't want to look like a clown! I want my makeup to be really natural, as it usually is, and then have a really powerful lip color. Something like this?

one hundred seven

I've been trying not to think about the wedding until after I graduate. I'm trying to just focus on school. But as I care less and less about these last few days, it's getting harder and harder not to focus my attention on the wedding–especially since next Saturday we'll go to Precana.

I printed out directions this morning: the last journey I have to make around Indiana  before I graduate and move out of the state. I have a pretty good feeling that Evansville will be the only city I see in it for quite  a while... that is, unless Indiana University takes me under their wing as a poor little Public Policy graduate student. Sometimes I wonder if I could really do it, move back into Indiana. I'm still an Ohio loyalist, so I'd rather be in my state. I'm as blue as the come, so I'd rather be in a socially liberal state. Anyway.

I finalized the list of songs for all of the dances at the wedding and have a few CDs made to play while people are arriving and hanging out at the reception, before we and the DJ arrive.

I finalized plans for the tuxedos, in my mind, which has been a much longer process than anticipated because of the guys' schedules. They've finally gotten it together–odd that the girls could pull this off before them, since our measurements and dress selection are much more in depth. Oh, gender differences.

There are even more things to wrap up in the next two weeks. I'll get all the tuxedo information and get them ordered. Then, Sarah, Joe's mom, is bringing some peacock feathers that a friend has been collecting for us. The feather-getting was step number one for making the flower arrangements.

A cool thing that I like about the wedding, that we're just getting going: An environmentally friendly gift registry. We'll be traveling, so we're shying away from gifts anyway. Instead, we're starting a wedding bank account that people can add to. It saves a ton of energy, fuel, material, paper... I love it. And it's super easy. And it will help us survive the first bit of time abroad. [Key to that: I've made us PROMISE that we're paying ourselves back that wedding nest egg when we get home, so that we can actually start a home. For now, it will operate like a loan from ourselves.]

We're also getting the next step of our life going, crossing off to-do's from the post-wedding life list. Things like buying plane tickets and finding a hotel to live in before we find an apartment, crying about spending the money, reserving a room for the wedding night and figuring out when we'll go to Chicago to get our visas. We're coming, World, ready or not. And I don't no who is more "not," you or us.

one hundred sixteen

I ran some errands today, and guess what I got? No! Not new shoes. Geesh.

Wedding bands! As excited as I am to have them, it felt a little empty to go in and pick them up without the Future Husband.

Also: Please note that I did laundry. It is drying in the background. Baby is chewing on the drying rack. Oh, domestic life.

one hundred twenty

That's right! We've reached the 4-month count down.... We've come a long way.

one hundred fifty-two days

An epic day of wedding adventures.

So here’s the breakdown. A total of $228.36 got us:

• flowers and supplies for 4 bouquets, 9 corsages and 7 boutonnieres
• an aisle runner
• a garter (which Chloe was a bit shocked to find that she would be slipping onto my leg)
• a plume pen for the guest book
• fabric for the ring bearer’s pillow
• ribbon for pew markers
• a bottle of French wine to celebrate our successful planning, possibly saved for Joe but possibly had on a late night with my mom while still in Ohio
• a caramel latte after a nice lunch with mom and Connie, a family friend with access to a floral supply store (hence the massive savings)
• a new pair of flats, since mine were splitting through the bottoms and filling with water
• fresh copy of The Bell Jar that I can write in to my heart’s content (Mom likes this, since that means I’m not writing in hers)

So, taking out all of my distraction spending, that means I spent less than a third of what we had budgeted for flowers… and that spending included a million random purchases. Thanks, Hobby Lobby and flower supply store!

Taking distractions into account, I’m really excited about this wine. A new wine shop opened up next to Hobby Lobby. Of course we went in. Not even a question. The owner said that after a few years in “Corporate America” and was ready to do something he really enjoyed. Kudos to you, sir, especially since your interests serve my own.

He said he was glad to meet another lover of French wines. I smiled, letting him think I knew about wine and wasn’t just obsessed with the country as a whole. I snagged a bottle from the Rhône region, where I spent that summer. I found out that they had wine tastings twice a week, and knew how I’d be spending my Thursday and Saturday afternoons (and disposable income).

I laughed even typing that, as the idea of a free afternoon–let alone disposable income–seem abstract and impossible, no longer a part of my life.

The savings today though, spending a quarter of what was estimated on flowers even after deciding to make a small spread around the unity candle, made me feel like I’m giving Joe back a little of what we lost.

I know that tonight, when I tell him I switched from delphinium to hydrangea with freesia and baby’s breath accents he’ll sound interested. When I say that they are all deep purples, maybe leaning toward blues, he’ll be able to picture a purple blog on a green stem.

“I don’t know flowers,” he’s said on several occasions when I stressed about picking the right arrangements. Well, me either, but the strategy of walking in and finding the color I liked best worked out really well. Here’s a preview of the hydrangea that will give most of the color to the day.

visual overload

So I've been scanning the Google for some decoration inspiration. After searching for weddings with words like peacock, vintage, 1920s, delphinium and art deco, this is the best representation of my vision that I could find.

I feel really Bride-zilla saying that we're meeting with "our decorator." I'm not complicated when it comes to frills and expenses for the wedding. I want it simple and fun, but me coordinating all of the plans and my family making all of the decorations is neither of these things. Fortunately, a decorator sort of "comes with" the hall we're renting. So, this is what I'll be throwing at her:

 

So far, this is my favorite. The sleek, small vases are vintage and the baby's breath (which could be substituted with Queen Anne's lace, a traditional August flower) in them is soft and adds to the older feel. I also wanted really everything sleek and simple. I don't like tulle or candles. I don't like things that are filled with things small children can choke on. I sound pickier than I am, really. Anyway, these are perfect!

I've been thinking of ways to arrange the centerpieces. My mom found a cool art deco piece we're using at the church for less than $20 at our local antique mall. It'd be awesome if our decorator had some deco glass pieces, like this for example.

 

We've got a lot of color going on in simple ways. They guys are wearing vests that are a deep purple. We're using peacock feathers in a few things, like I've mentioned before. I'm hoping we'll find some blue flowers that pull it all together. To play with color more, I was looking at these pieces. Ideas.

This is fun, too. I'd '86 the ribbon and add some small flowers, but I think this glass and the peacock feather fit everything we've been planning and designing so far. It's getting there.

Ok, so I don't want purple flowers or bulb-looking flowers, but the idea of lower, fuller centerpieces mixed with the really simple tall ones (of, say, a peacock feather or two) make for a really neat table.

And this, I adore. Again, we're not using the white flowers, but everything else is very cool and elegant. I like the lines of the vase, which recall art deco without all of its detail. I like that the overall look is low to the table. There's texture without too much going on–I don't want 80 flower species in these things. I'm not usually big on candles, but the mix of the round candles with the curvy vase is fun on the table runner.

 

one hundred fifty-nine

 

A French print of an art deco wedding. Perfect, right?

It's March! That means that we're only five months from the wedding... well, plus a few days. But Joe and I are only five months away from being with each other for "as long as [we] both shall live," since he'll be in Wapak for at least the week before the wedding.

It also means that we're in a month where we'll get to see each other for almost ten days, which seems crazy. I'll be in St. Louis to present a paper (that I need to finish writing–more to-do's for Spring Break), then he'll be here for some "final paperwork and wedding planning," or so the excuses go for justifying our time away from real life. 

That time will be for:

ordering wedding bands
opening our gift registry bank account
selecting our reading and getting them ready to sent to people
printing the rest of the things for the invitations

Happy March! Happy, happy no-more-February!

one hundred sixty-one, part two

This is an idea that I have been struggling with for months. It has been a year, actually, since I ordered the first brooches and decided against traditional corsages for the mothers, grandmothers and readers. The girls will all have cameos with a bit of flower or feather. Here are a few different approaches, each with things that are showing up in the wedding already.

The goal, like everything else with the wedding, is to have things that can be reused. The girls will be able to remove the fluff and keep their cameo.

Ginny & Jude's Two Shoes, a really cool blog with vintage appeal, had this. Instead of the yellow flower, the cameo would be the focal point, with tiny blue buds and the eye of a peacock feather behind it.

This was on some random English jewelry site, but it has the more fluid feel of the feathers and reminds me of what will be in my hair. I wouldn't want the pearl strands, and I'd want to use peacock instead of those stringy white things, but it's a general idea.

Craft Juice, which sells their stuff on Etsy (of course), really went all out. This is a full blown corsage, really vintage, and a bigger step away from what I'm thinking. I wouldn't want the ribbon, but I like that the brooch is at the center. Really, I just think the piece is well made and the vendor has a cool style. Plus, it was reassuring to see that more complicated things that I've been thinking have worked in the past.