feeling like I'm living

I spent most of yesterday looking for apartments in Bloomington. This caused some tension, as Joe & I had agreed to wait until we got back to the States and could schedule visits with that.

You know me. I'm not good at waiting. I'm also not optimistic about finding an apartment that isn't a total shit-hole in the middle of July in a college town when we have one vehicle & I need to be able to bike to campus.

I had a sort of meltdown yesterday–looking back at the list of apartments I'd found & seeing that they were no longer available; watching the circle of availability widen across the town of Bloomington; reading the description "near the Wal*Mart" several times (which is unfortunately for several reasons, highest on the list being that Wal*Mart is on a highway & NOT bike-able).

After finding a perfect spot that was became less perfect when it was a bit out of our tiny price range & a lease that started a bit too early, we–okay, "I" as Joe never un-agreed–re-agreed to wait. I'm having a hard time with this. We know no one there to help us get looking early; we're afraid to be scammed (again); we're afraid of not seeing something and getting into a bad situation.

I'm terrified of hating the apartment–of feeling like we're squatting instead of living, as we've felt here sometimes in this one room. I'm terrified that there will be no place for all of the things we need to store, for all of the life we've each accumulated & all of the things that come from getting married. I want a table to eat dinner at again, in a room that has a stove & some counter space. I want good lighting for the desk, where we'll both be spending a lot of time.

I want to feel like I'm Married, starting a life together as adults instead of as college students. I want to feel different than I did as an undergraduate, and this is proving complicated. We don't know if this will be the year when either of us have a salary or a "real job." We don't know how much my tuition will be.

I've realized that somewhere over the past year, I have switched into Settling Mode. I'm watching friends plant gardens & buy houses & have salaries & get dogs. I'm not jealous, but it creates a certain kind of anxiety. When will we GET there?

I'm trying to keep in mind that I have three years of graduate school, meaning we have one year in a potentially crap apartment and ample time to find the next step-up. I realize that a house is out of the question for a while, & I'm okay with that. We have a lot of adventures yet, and even when we have a house I expect us to be on-the-go in our settled-ness. We're not the sit-still type.

It seems, for all of these reasons & the time I've had to dwell on them, that I should be relaxed & comfortable in the waiting: I know it's temporary; Joe is convinced we'll find something. We don't have a choice–and we're good at not having choices. Look at us! We got here & found an apartment; we managed to survive language barriers. We're good at telling ourselves, "We've just got to."

And yet I can't quite calm myself. Last night, with the window open & light on, a swarm of small bugs gathered on our ceiling around the light. I climbed (literally, up the ladder) into bed & realized that they were now above me. This somehow seemed like the moment when I would brake. What are we doing? How can we not escape this constant feeling of transience, even in the "home" we've built over 9 months? I feel like I'm camping in my life.

I took a tissue and smashed as many of them as I could, brown & lime green smears spreading. I tried to scrub them and instead got insect insides under my fingernails. I wanted to feel satisfied, causing my own bit of destruction & showing some sense of dog-like defense of my territory. I just felt tired.

For now, the thing getting me through is the batch of eggless brownies I made last night, which managed to turn out alright despite their burnt top. (Damn you, top-only heating setting! I always forget about you!) I recommend them (even just the batter, since it's eggless & thus guilt- and fear-free) for your next "I need to get through something because I have no personal space where I can just be by myself and have a good cry" sort of day.

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