big decisions

Tuesday was a day of finalizing a lot of things about our life. I was exhausted by 8:30, & I don't feel like I've quite recovered. Every step of the finalizing opened up a new list of questions–How will I register for classes? How will we afford graduate school without merit-based aid? Where will we find work?

The answer? We don't have a choice. We've never accepted things NOT working. We dig & dig & grind our teeth & sacrifice until we've got it. On a limited budget, we've survived in France, coming home with less debt & more savings than we left the States with. We've seen more of the world than we expected. We've learned how to eat well & locally on a limited budget. We've learned how to do laundry by hand without getting blisters. We've taken on extra tutoring. We've relaxed enough to enjoy beers out on a sunny afternoon.

We've survived, & more than that we've really lived. We'll keep doing it–growing our marriage like the seeds we want to plant when we get to Bloomington, Indiana.

That's right. It is now official. I have rejected my offer to the creative nonfiction program of my dreams in the location of my dreams to spend three years earning a degree that scares me & return to Indiana, something I never imagined I would do.

What's more is that, though it hurts the childhood dreams still holding onto the right side of my brain, the decision feels right. We're putting ourselves in a situation that allows us maximum impact on the kinds of things we want to change about our lives & the lives of those we come into contact with. It's easy to be liberal, vegetarian, Earth-crazy & artsy in Washington state. It's less easy in Indiana (though we're living in the most liberal, artsy piece of it).

I still need to sign the papers & send the check. I need to figure out how I will get into chemistry & calculus (& have a job, perhaps) on top of the traditional course load they give you in your first semester. I need to get back to studying statistics.

This is how my mind goes. After sending the official notification e-mails, I made a calendar. I'll gradually be filling in each day: look for apartments; spend night in Bloomington researching apartments; clean out storage lockers in Evansville; figure out how to move furniture from both of our hometowns; find cell phones; change my last name. I don't think I made the calendar boxes big enough.

The pieces that have been filled in so far are our return flights: Paris to NYC on July 7. NYC to Evansville on July 11. Goal date: Moving to Bloomington on August 1.

I know that last week I was trying to go without to-do lists. That lasted a week, & now that things are becoming more concrete it's even more difficult for me to take things one at a time. Waves of requirements are crashing against me at once. Thank God I have Joe to serve as my life preserver & lots of family time to look forward to. I've been compiling a list of the things I want to share in the first days back (including lots of cream, bacon & dessert). It's the bright spot in this terrifying re-entry to real adult life. I forgot how protected I could let myself feel here at times.

More on the return adventure to come. One piece we're semi-sure of: We'll be hitting up Credo Mobile, a cell phone company with a positive mission. There's a change! Check them out to see if they work for you.

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