the state that i am in

And I've been there and back again
The state that I am in
-Belle & Sebastian, "The State that I am in" (lyrics taken somewhat drastically out of context)

Over my last two years of college, my life was spread between three states. I'm a true product of the Midwest. Lately, my mind has been settling back home–not necessarily in the Midwest that I spent hours and days driving across, but in the U.S. I'm missing the States and the bouncing between them. I even miss missing Joe & the excitement that came with a weekend visit to him. I miss calling my family & asking them to come see me for a day.

I miss home. Some days, home is a country whose culture I understand. Most days, that country terrifies me, with its benefits-for-the-rich mentality that means I won't be able to buy insurance/a car/a house for at least a decade. When I think of "home" in terms of the United States, I have more than mixed emotions. I have intense fears.

Today, "home" is Ohio, or somewhere tucked between Ohio and St. Louis. Home is the smell of my parents house, a scent that can still be found inside the stocking I've folded & packed away. Home is my sister & I smearing on facial masks & painting our toes.

I've been thinking about home a lot lately–the one I'm missing & the one I'm longing to create. I have a tendency to look at the next step, always preparing instead of enjoying the experiences that surround me. I've been better at this in France, but after four months I increasingly think of how I want to decorate our apartment (when we have more than three rooms). I create a list of priority purchases. (Do we both need cell phones? How long can we go without a TV? When will we be able to get a tent and start camping? When can I replace my camisoles that are falling apart at the seams after six years of use?)

I imagine what the holidays will be like when we again drive between family visits–how great it will feel to invite the family to our hours for get-togethers & Christmases. I plan DIY projects & figure out what questions I need to ask my dad.

Maybe this urge to start nesting is because the apartment is feeling smaller lately, or because I have no work to distract me. Most likely it's because of this pain in my chest that happens when I think about my family going through difficult times when I'm not there to help.

I've been baking cookies and planning cupcakes and chocolate babka baking. This is how I cope. Under normal circumstances, I would give them to my hurting family members. I started showing my emotions this way when I was in college, but you can't send baked goods back to the Midwest. The cookies sit in a plastic-wrapped bowl, reminding me that for now, there is nothing I can do.

My oven & heart are full of thoughts of Ohio, but they're keeping me warm while a cold rain falls outside. I'll keep myself busy this weekend–between finishing "Natural History of the Senses," a writing assignment I've given myself & assignment grading (pooooop). Then when that's done, I'll make my babka, sit down with a coffee & refuse to let myself be painfully nostalgic.

One of my goals for this year is to enjoy the present more. Not long ago when I was moping around and being depressing, Joe told me exactly that–that I'm depressing. Naturally, this made me cry (as I was already whimpering & thinking about not getting into graduate school). I realized it was true. I focus on a negative future. I refuse to do this anymore.

 I'll think about the visits to our apartment, the joy of having our kitchen appliances back, the adventure of our next year of marriage & the many adventures yet to be had in the six months we still have here. I don't want to miss a moment of looking out this window or stepping out our door & embracing the fact that we're in France. For now, which is all that one can control, hope for & be truly optimistic about.


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