women & marriage

While women's issues are something that I'm active in & passionate about, I realize that I've never addressed the issue in my blogging. With the many questions about why I chose to be married, my motivations for marriage & what we were planning on doing together for, well, ever, I decided to dedicate some time to the issue here.

Let me start by saying that Joe & I got married at ages that were considered the "standards" starting in the 1940s*. These standards where in place until our generation started going to elementary school and divorce became a social norm.  So, according to the U.S. Census Bureau we're coming in a few years under average.

While our families were supportive of the marriage, there were a few friends that were shocked–we have so much living & exploring to do still. We need time before we settle into families & children. They warned us. They weren't surprised by our decision, which came after three years of a wonderful (& strenuous stretch of distance) relationship, but they felt the need to caution us. We agree: we have a lot of living to do. The decision to marry isn't the decision to settle permanently & find The Career. We're still exploring, but we realized that the adventures were more fun when we had each other to share with and depend on.

This is the explanation that I keep giving the French students & friends that stare at me with wide eyes. I can see through them to the thoughts in their heads before they start asking questions, and I wanted to get a better handle on why this was so shocking.

According to UNICEF's outstanding list of statistics, 75 percent of French women use contraceptives (76 percent in the States). The French life expectancy (despite smoking & their seemingly "sinful" diets) is 81 while the States hovers at 79. So far, things weren't looking so different. Then, I discovered that those few French women that do get married won't have their first go until near age 30. (To compare this to the rest of Europe, where similar social trends are happening, click here.) I also found this table, which spelled things out pretty clearly.

While divorce rates in the States started to fall in 2009*, France is still on the rise. French marriages are still on a downward slope–less than five per thousand while the States reaches almost eight*. Does this mean that more people are celibate? No. It means that more people are just opting out of marriage. A Washington Post article summarized this well:

The trend in France is driven by a convergence of social transitions in both the demographic and cultural landscapes, including this generation's nearly universal estrangement from religion, especially the Catholic Church; massive migration to urban areas, where young adults are more independent from their families; and a society that has become not only tolerant but supportive of personal choice in lifestyles.

In France, these decisions are not only accepted by society, but also by the National Assembly. In 1999, the government introduced the Pacte Civil de Solidarité (PACs for short). These PACs are documents drafted by two individuals that awards most marriage rights to the couple... and here's where they one-up the states: PACs are available to different or same-sex couples (of no more than two people). (For more in a brief overview, click here.) Note: French law still prohibits same sex marriage.

So my decision to be married in an age of estrangement from the tradition causes several levels of confusion for people. This confusion is compounded when they realize that I, too, have doubts about one's ability to consistently be a good person (let alone a good spouse). I think we're all flawed, but one aim in my decision to be married is to have someone that accepts these flaws & helps me move through them.

Yes, I got married seven years younger than you will, but you'll die two years after me. Really, we're only talking about a five year difference here, and we both have t-shirts older than that, so what's the difference?

The process of coming to terms with being married in society, something I never thought I would have to do, has been interesting & is by no means finished. What is an appropriate answer when someone you hardly know asks, "Why?" Do I explain my faith–or the reason I fell in love with him? Do I bother justifying something that is in no way negative & therefore negates the definition of "justification"? Or do I simply explain it as a difference between two cultures when I understand that this isn't truly the case?

I've taken to looking at hands that swing at the sides of passersby as I walk down the streets of our sleepy little town. Is that purple stone an engagement ring, or could she not decided what other finger to put it on? Did the woman once have an engagement ring above her wedding band, or is it a band to honor her PAC? The challenge to understand marriage in our new culture & country has added new depth & meaning to our new commitment–it has made me a fiercer supporter, a stronger wife & a more avid feminist.

I'll leave this post with two quotes by Adrienne Rich. The first reminds me that I am my own–that I made the decision to marry, to carve my place in the history of feminist wives, not as a historical figure but as a woman striving to make women more than a sum of their domestic "responsibilities." It reminds me that the students or friends or French can say what they want about my marriage, because we did it. We created our name.

Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you.

 The second reminds me to know my reasons before acting. Did I marry early in order to escape an unfamiliar time that was coming? No, but I must remind myself that we have ambitions, that we are not settled; we are just taking the first step forward. Our standards are high, & we've got to keep moving.

Responsibility to yourself means that you don't fall for shallow and easy solutions–predigested books and ideas...marrying early as an escape from real decisions, getting pregnant as an evasion of already existing problems. It means that you refuse to sell your talents and aspirations short...and this, in turn, means resisting the forces in society which say that women should be nice, play safe, have low professional expectations, drown in love and forget about work, live through others, and stay in the places assigned to us.