the weather & my mood

Store fronts like this one in Metz are popping up... Fall is here!

Yesterday, my sister had her second homecoming dance. I have no phone, no Internet at home and no place to go make a phone call because it was a Saturday afternoon by the time she woke up to start her day. These things are wearing me down. I know I haven't been the most optimistic person, but it just seems like no one–businesses we're communicating with in the States & people we're working with here–are really getting our situation.

There is another mystery class tomorrow. I may be changing a class time. I may be teaching a new class that I know nothing about. What I do know is that I was happy with the schedule I was settling into. I am happy with my ideas for the course. I am happy teaching. I like it more than expected: the time preparing, the trying to make them comfortable, the effort to work around words they don't know & search for understanding. I always leave class with a smile & a sense of accomplishment. They laugh at the silly things a make them do. ("No, say mother. Grrr. Like you're growling. Do it. Growl. Right now.")

All I can do is wait for the next e-mail & wake up early to prepare tomorrow & give them all I've got. I have YouTube. I have English as my native language. I have a sense of humor & a small mouth that can make me look angry very quickly (for if the sense of humor doesn't win them over or shut them up). In the mean time, I'm going to keep reading Une Forme de Vie, Nothomb's latest novel & a great fiction-that-looks-like-nonfiction work. I'm going to go to a Potimarron festival. I'm going to learn more about my camera while I walk around Lunéville & hold hands with my husband. We're going to have a picnic by a castle & watch the leaves change color from our window when we get home tonight. I'm going to, for once, make myself give up control & enjoy what I am in control of–my ability to enjoy what's going on around me.

I was angry yesterday morning. I was complaining about what we don't have & getting angry at people for not getting our shit together for us. "But we're in France," Joe said. And that said everything–things take longer; life moves more slowly because the living part of it is more important. I should be content–I'm living out my dream of being here.

It's another one of those weekends. It's getting colder & rainier, but for the first time this year that feels invigorating. It's no longer "too early for this weather." It's time. I have a passion for automn that's unmatched by any other nature event. I feel most alive, most vibrant, most in-tune with the world when the air starts smelling like leaves & cinnamon.

From where I sit, I see the hills of the Vosges starting. Housing move up toward a horizon. Shutters facing us, facing East, are open to bring in the early morning sun. Smoke is puffing from chimneys, and I know that in these homes people are warm in their fluffy socks with their hands around mugs of coffee as I am here, watching them with my toes by my electric heater and my hands around my green tea. The hills behind the houses are dark–trees no longer green, but fading to the sort of plum that comes to nature before it bursts into the full flames of autumn. Soon, the neighborhood will be on fire. I'm waiting, and I'm burning with it.